Wednesday, 01 August 2018
Well Hello there, apologies I've been a little bit quiet on the blog front recently. I'm sure though if you've been following my journey on Instagram you will have some idea as to why. If not I shall explain and if yes, I'll give you some more info' as to what has really been going on behind the squares........
Me and my husband started this journey and began to try -god I hate that expression- for a baby at the end of last year, I was convinced for some reason I would fall pregnant quickly. I had nothing to back this up, just a 'feeling' I told him. It got to the end of February and although we had only been trying for around 5 months for some reason I was beginning to get a little agitated with the waiting. And yes I know some people reading this in different situations may roll their eyes at that but I have a point and realistically I knew I was being silly but you can't always control how you feel. I do though know the time frame wasn't that long at all. I think in some ways I was comparing too much to how long it had taken the first time around with my daughter, which took around 4 months. Anyway, my point here is that at the end of February we decided to stop thinking about it, turn off the apps and just live a little. The reason for our trip to Amsterdam!
When we got back from Amsterdam we carried on with the same attitude and continued to simply enjoy the family we already had in front of us. Well, then guess what happened, it seems as soon as my mind set changed and I stopped looking at all those apps telling you when you can conceive etc etc, yep that's exactly when I fell pregnant. So to anyone out there who may be wanting to fall pregnant; trust yourselves and chuck in a little bit of fate. I know it's sometimes more complicated than this but maybe give it a go. The apps were completely wrong for me and had I followed them properly I would not have gotten pregnant when I did. Just remember everyone is different and your body works best when you are happy, healthy and content. Like I said though, please understand this is just my story and I am fully aware that some people are in very different situations and have a lot more to deal with on this topic.
So now I was pregnant and after initially thinking we would share our news straight away we had a change of heart and decided to keep it to ourselves for a little longer. Which let me tell you was very difficult because even at home this meant not telling our daughter (4 year olds don't keep secrets very well). By 3 months we couldn't wait any longer though and told all our nearest and dearest. But the squares; LookOfLou well that was not so simple. I know you're supposed to 'share' on social media and the more transparent you are the more people connect with you. But I have my own way of doing things and I was actually quite liking the fact that no one knew.
To be honest I think the main reason I enjoyed people not having any idea at this point was because of the way I was feeling. Which wasn't great at all, apart from the fact I was obviously over the moon about the fact I was actually pregnant what came with that was the nausea, the tiredness, the bloating, the diabetes, to name a few. My day to day reality in how I was physically feeling was a bit rubbish and the one thing that could just about make me feel better was to get up, get dressed up and posting on the grid became a sort of therapy of distraction. I do also think and please forgive me because I'm well aware people only do this because they care, but the only thing people want to ask you about when you are pregnant is the pregnancy. Like I said I know it comes from a good place but when your entire existence is all of a sudden based around the fact that you can't do this, can't eat that, not to mention the doctors appointments every 3 weeks, a question about fashion is a very welcome distraction.
Yes, I have a lot of doctors appointments. Being Type 1 Diabetic my pregnancy is classed as high risk. I see the midwives every 3-4 weeks, have extra scans as of 28 weeks, will see the consultants weekly from around 35 weeks and will be induced no later than 38 weeks. My daughter was born after a 3 day induction at 36+4 weeks because of added complications with the placenta, which I am taking daily medication for this time to hopefully prevent. The primary reason for all the extra care though is that my sugar levels are super sensitive during pregnancy and very hard to control. For me personally the wave of hormones has a really bad effect on my overall control, not to mention the hungry human growing inside me. I am usually very well controlled and have a routine for my meal times which means I can predict my sugar levels. But throughout pregnancy I am constantly drifting and trying hopelessly to find patterns in my levels. I very much feel like when pregnant my body is not my own and I am living in sort of a limbo state always waiting for the next change in my levels.
The importance of my sugar levels when pregnant and the reason all of the above is rather stressful is the risks involved for baby if I do not keep on top of things. Hence the reason I put the laptop away and just focused on the squares for a while. Trying to keep up with everything all became a little too much to deal with, so something had to give. Let's just call it an early Maternity leave!
I'm now 6 months pregnant and yes the countdown has begun! I'm not a person who necessarily enjoys pregnancy, yes I said it, I know its a kind of taboo. But as you can probably guess from everything I have been dealing with, it's not the easiest time of my life. I just want my baby in my arms, happy and healthy. The fashion is still helping me to focus on things other than sugar levels, sciatica, and oh my the tiredness that's now at a whole new level! I do also have the fact my daughter is starting school in September playing on my mind, but that's a whole different subject for another day.
I'm interested to know if anyone would like any more information on the diabetes front or just general pregnancy updates? Or should I just stick to fashion? Please let me know if you have any questions. I'm aware the diabetes thing, although it is taking over my entire life at the moment, it's not going to be helpful or interesting to everyone.
I have to say it's been slightly therapeutic getting this all off my chest. Because I have kept my squares to fashion only I suppose as much as it has acted as a distraction, I have also felt a little distant at times. So a warning......I'm sure I'll be back on here at some point with a little update on my reality. For now though, I'm off to enjoy the sunshine in a comfy chair, because that's just how crazy my life is right now.
Kelly Lou
xx
Monday, 22nd January 2018
Wednesday, 17 May 2017
Friday, 17 March 2017
Well Hello there, apologies I've been a little bit quiet on the blog front recently. I'm sure though if you've been following my journey on Instagram you will have some idea as to why. If not I shall explain and if yes, I'll give you some more info' as to what has really been going on behind the squares........
Me and my husband started this journey and began to try -god I hate that expression- for a baby at the end of last year, I was convinced for some reason I would fall pregnant quickly. I had nothing to back this up, just a 'feeling' I told him. It got to the end of February and although we had only been trying for around 5 months for some reason I was beginning to get a little agitated with the waiting. And yes I know some people reading this in different situations may roll their eyes at that but I have a point and realistically I knew I was being silly but you can't always control how you feel. I do though know the time frame wasn't that long at all. I think in some ways I was comparing too much to how long it had taken the first time around with my daughter, which took around 4 months. Anyway, my point here is that at the end of February we decided to stop thinking about it, turn off the apps and just live a little. The reason for our trip to Amsterdam!
When we got back from Amsterdam we carried on with the same attitude and continued to simply enjoy the family we already had in front of us. Well, then guess what happened, it seems as soon as my mind set changed and I stopped looking at all those apps telling you when you can conceive etc etc, yep that's exactly when I fell pregnant. So to anyone out there who may be wanting to fall pregnant; trust yourselves and chuck in a little bit of fate. I know it's sometimes more complicated than this but maybe give it a go. The apps were completely wrong for me and had I followed them properly I would not have gotten pregnant when I did. Just remember everyone is different and your body works best when you are happy, healthy and content. Like I said though, please understand this is just my story and I am fully aware that some people are in very different situations and have a lot more to deal with on this topic.
So now I was pregnant and after initially thinking we would share our news straight away we had a change of heart and decided to keep it to ourselves for a little longer. Which let me tell you was very difficult because even at home this meant not telling our daughter (4 year olds don't keep secrets very well). By 3 months we couldn't wait any longer though and told all our nearest and dearest. But the squares; LookOfLou well that was not so simple. I know you're supposed to 'share' on social media and the more transparent you are the more people connect with you. But I have my own way of doing things and I was actually quite liking the fact that no one knew.
To be honest I think the main reason I enjoyed people not having any idea at this point was because of the way I was feeling. Which wasn't great at all, apart from the fact I was obviously over the moon about the fact I was actually pregnant what came with that was the nausea, the tiredness, the bloating, the diabetes, to name a few. My day to day reality in how I was physically feeling was a bit rubbish and the one thing that could just about make me feel better was to get up, get dressed up and posting on the grid became a sort of therapy of distraction. I do also think and please forgive me because I'm well aware people only do this because they care, but the only thing people want to ask you about when you are pregnant is the pregnancy. Like I said I know it comes from a good place but when your entire existence is all of a sudden based around the fact that you can't do this, can't eat that, not to mention the doctors appointments every 3 weeks, a question about fashion is a very welcome distraction.
Yes, I have a lot of doctors appointments. Being Type 1 Diabetic my pregnancy is classed as high risk. I see the midwives every 3-4 weeks, have extra scans as of 28 weeks, will see the consultants weekly from around 35 weeks and will be induced no later than 38 weeks. My daughter was born after a 3 day induction at 36+4 weeks because of added complications with the placenta, which I am taking daily medication for this time to hopefully prevent. The primary reason for all the extra care though is that my sugar levels are super sensitive during pregnancy and very hard to control. For me personally the wave of hormones has a really bad effect on my overall control, not to mention the hungry human growing inside me. I am usually very well controlled and have a routine for my meal times which means I can predict my sugar levels. But throughout pregnancy I am constantly drifting and trying hopelessly to find patterns in my levels. I very much feel like when pregnant my body is not my own and I am living in sort of a limbo state always waiting for the next change in my levels.
The importance of my sugar levels when pregnant and the reason all of the above is rather stressful is the risks involved for baby if I do not keep on top of things. Hence the reason I put the laptop away and just focused on the squares for a while. Trying to keep up with everything all became a little too much to deal with, so something had to give. Let's just call it an early Maternity leave!
I'm now 6 months pregnant and yes the countdown has begun! I'm not a person who necessarily enjoys pregnancy, yes I said it, I know its a kind of taboo. But as you can probably guess from everything I have been dealing with, it's not the easiest time of my life. I just want my baby in my arms, happy and healthy. The fashion is still helping me to focus on things other than sugar levels, sciatica, and oh my the tiredness that's now at a whole new level! I do also have the fact my daughter is starting school in September playing on my mind, but that's a whole different subject for another day.
I'm interested to know if anyone would like any more information on the diabetes front or just general pregnancy updates? Or should I just stick to fashion? Please let me know if you have any questions. I'm aware the diabetes thing, although it is taking over my entire life at the moment, it's not going to be helpful or interesting to everyone.
I have to say it's been slightly therapeutic getting this all off my chest. Because I have kept my squares to fashion only I suppose as much as it has acted as a distraction, I have also felt a little distant at times. So a warning......I'm sure I'll be back on here at some point with a little update on my reality. For now though, I'm off to enjoy the sunshine in a comfy chair, because that's just how crazy my life is right now.
Kelly Lou
xx
Monday, 22nd January 2018
I’ve been blogging now for nearly 2 years, I started out as
a mum who had lost her way and wanted to take back some ‘Me’ time. Where am I
now though? Well to be honest I’m not sure I can answer that question. I am
constantly in a battle of passion and self-doubt with this thing we call social
media.
I started my blog as purely fashion based, back in the day I
used to use a lot more images from Pinterest and screenshots and I only ever spoke
about the clothes. I gained more than half my followers by doing this, yet suddenly
I began to question if what I was doing was the right thing.
With the posts on Instagram, yes I must admit, I became more
confident and so started to take more pictures of myself and get creative with
angles and poses. As much as I think this may have contributed to the anxiety I
sometimes feel about my posts, in that if the image is of me with a smile on my
face and people don’t respond the self-doubt can hit you in the face right out of nowhere. But
having said that as much as everything I post is what I am actually wearing,
the backdrop might be staged, the lighting may have been altered, the flatlay may have been rearranged a hundred times. What can I
say; I’m a perfectionist and like to create images I am proud of.
I did start to wonder though last year if my purely fashion based
feed was getting a little boring. Maybe I needed to share more of my life, like
others were doing. Maybe I needed to cut the crap and take more real life
pictures and invite people along on my journey be it good or bad. Because as we
all know; this works, for some! What I had forgotten was that the whole reason
I started my Instagram and my blog was to allow myself a break from reality, and
that I didn’t ever want to share real life ‘Kelly’. Real life mess, problems
and fears is what surrounds you when you put your phone down. I wanted a
fantasy land if you will, where my face is filtered, my clothes are always on
point and somewhere where there is none of the mundane stresses of motherhood
to deal with. So as you can imagine when I began to try to open up about those boring and often ugly things that us mums have to deal with, for me it simply took all the fun
away from it. Now don’t get me wrong, the ladies on Instagram are so supportive
and genuine and I love being part of such an amazing community. And whenever I
have shared something on a personal level of sadness or happiness the love
received is always such a blessing. But for me I need an outlet in my life where
the shit doesn’t have to hit the fan.
So I have indeed gone back to fashion only posts, yes
sometimes I might share a little something but nowhere near the reality of what
is really going on behind the lens and that is the way I want it. So where does
this leave me? Which community should I feel more a part of?
I have always wanted and try my best to be a ‘fashion
blogger’ and hopefully this is what my feed suggests. But I feel this is
slightly contradicted by the fact I am taking all my own photos on an Iphone 6,
I don’t have the latest apps and software to properly edit and filter my
photos. I’m not young, free and single. In fact I’m a married, mum of one who sometimes
feels 10 years older than I am. And I constantly
feel myself looking on, longingly at all those bigtime, fabulous girls stealing
the show at the moment (jealousy I believe this feeling is widely known as).
On the flip side when it comes to the mummy bloggers, yes
technically I think we have established I am a mummy, I am also a blogger. But as
I said I’m not about to start talking about how my days are consumed by wiping
my daughters arse, dealing with tantrums and how my boobs don’t quite look like
they used to.
What even is my USP?? Please do let me know if you have a
suggestion? Maybe my niche is that I am somewhere in between both camps, but is
that even a thing? Are people on social media willing to accept that some of us
have a problem with being put in boxes and like to jump between the two. Well
right now I’d say yes they do have a problem with this. Every couple of weeks
my likes go down, I loose followers etc etc. The algorithm is a bitch we all
know that blah blah blah, should we care…..probably not no! As much as I want
to be a little younger, slimmer, blonder, richer – let’s face it, I’m not. And
actually back in the real world on the whole I’m pretty bloody happy with my
life. I wouldn’t change being a mum for anything and certainly not another 50k Instagram
followers that’s for sure. We must remember, it is only social media. Reality
is something very very different where the numbers and statistics have no
meaning and give no clarity. Live in the moment, not your phone my friends!
Hopefully one day I will decide exactly where it is I am
going with this. But honestly I think the only way this will happen is to stay
true to who I am, care less and never compare myself to others. Only taken me
30 bloody years to come to that conclusion!!
Please do let me know your thoughts on this somewhat self-indulgent post. I love to know if you too have felt like this at any point?
Kelly
xx
Wednesday, 17 May 2017
When I gave up work I was just 5 months pregnant, it was an
absolutely horrid pregnancy mind you. I had no clue at this point what I was
letting myself in for, no idea about the kind of mother I would become. It was at this point though people first started
sticking their noses in where they weren’t wanted. People became very vocal about how I should
take maternity leave and not leave my job. Many of these people still to this
day have their opinions on how I should have gone back to work and I’m sure
they think that I am a ‘lazy’ stay at home mum.
I find it ridiculous even now; how many times a week I can
be made to feel like I should not be at home looking after my own child. When
people who have no idea about my life assume that my daughter should be in
nursery and I must be on a day off. No I say, I’m a full time mummy and she won’t
be starting Nursery until September actually. Well, the looks I get, you’d
think I had just commited a crime for Christ sake. I’m so sorry but this is my
life. I am sorry we can afford for me not to work. I’m sorry that I prioritise
raising my daughter over having a career right now. Actually I’m not sorry for
any of it to be honest! Don’t get me wrong I realise I am in a privileged position
and am thankful to my husband for allowing me the chance to stay at home. But
why should my situation have to be the taboo? Are people jealous? Do people
honestly think that I am less of a woman for not wanting to give my child over
to someone else 5 days a week? I am ambitious and one day in the future I have
big plans for myself and hope to pay my husband back. But until then I will
carry on being a stay at home mum and reap the rewards when it comes to my amazing
little girl.
All this gushing brings me to my point here; because yes I
have the gift of a child. I love her to bits and she truly does amaze me
sometimes and makes me so proud to be her mummy. But come on let’s not pretend
that being a parent is all hearts, smiles and butterflies. As amazing as having
a child is, it’s also bloody hard work. I’m not looking for a pat on the back
for my efforts. No in fact I want people just to be honest and share the good,
the bad and the ugly and for the judging to stop.
On a good day at home I forget to share things about my
daughter online, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. But when she has been an angel all day I just don’t necessarily feel the need to gush about her on social
media. Anyone who follows my Instagram will know my posts are nearly all
fashion based. Because fundamentally this is why this all started, it was my
bit of me time. A space that didn’t have to be about mama me or what was going on at
home, but about my passion for fashion. This has grown since then and I have
decided I want to become a stylist and eventually run a business. So in short, that is why
I don’t share too much about my daughter on my social media. Having said that though I find on a bad day I do sometimes share how shit things have been. I do this because
it is a place I can be at the centre of, when actually I’m just at home on my
own with a toddler for company. I have found that most of the time when you
share you are having a bad day, people can be amazing and come to your rescue. Even if it just to
say you are not alone, ‘I’ve had a bad too’ can sometimes be all you need. As
parents we can stand together in defiance against our often feral children.
If I didn’t share these moments every so often this role as
stay at home mum could become very lonely, very quickly. The whole point of
social media is surely to connect with people and share your experiences in the
hope to help others. On a day to day basis my images are posed, filtered and
tagged. But actually this is not real life is it, sometimes life is shit and we
need a little help. Don’t get me wrong like I said I know I am in very
fortunate position. Yes, I have my health issues which I am aware compared to
others may not be important. My daughter can be a nightmare sometimes, but at the end of
the day I am lucky to have her. But this is my life, it is important to me and sometimes it is easy to become overwhelmed and swallowed up in your own reality. So much so anything outside of that becomes far less important. I know this infuriates my husband sometimes and I can
understand why. He works in an office all day missing spending time with his
daughter, then when he comes in at the end of the day he finds me in a bad
mood. Moaning about how awful my day has been, I have been known to demand he
get my daughter out of my sight.
This is exactly when I find it helpful to reach out to
people who are in similar positions and may be able to offer a little advice. Or
maybe without realising it I could help someone else feel not so alone. Making
light of shit situations is sometimes exactly the right thing to do so you can
sit back and laugh at it and realise later how silly it all was.
So as you may or may not be able to tell, I read an article
on the Daily Mail yesterday (16th May 2017). It was a somewhat empty
article in my opinion, having a go at very successful and inspirational women who poke fun at
themselves and confidently stick their hand up and share when shit gets real.
Now I like to think I’m winging this whole parenting thing and take each day as
it comes. But it seems some people disagree with this take on things and seem to think we should
all have our shit together at all times. As I have said, people have an opinion
as soon as you announce you’re pregnant. You should do this, wear this, eat
this, blah blah blah is all any of it really needs to mean though. No one
having a baby for the first time has ever fully had their shit together and
known how to successfully raise a human.
Sometimes I know I do the wrong thing. I get angry, I might make
a mistake that later when I’ve calmed down I think oops probably could have
done that differently. But should you sit and cry about it, or could you instead
learn from it, have a laugh at yourself for it and maybe share it for thousands
to see. I mean come on we’re clearly talking about trivial things. But like I
said they are not all so trivial at the time or for the 100th time
that day. Are we really meant to apologise for these moments of despair and
trail back through our accounts to say sorry for things we may or may not have
said. We are real people, not just Mummy or Daddy, real life people with
emotions and breaking points.
One of the most important parts of being a parent is to remember
who you are and keep an eye on yourself not just the children. If you fall
apart you won’t be much of a parent at all. Share your story, share your pain. Being
honest is not always as easy as it sounds but I guarantee if you let it out you’ll
feel a little lighter. And whether it’s a social media platform or amongst
friends, you’ll be surprised how many people feel or have felt exactly the same
as you. And remember you don’t have to fit in; you don’t have to do as they say
or do as they do. Being you is the key to your success on this one! Your kids
will thank you later.
And do you know what, I think 'that' article was meant to be putting us all down and make us feel silly. When in actual fact I will try and share more of these moments with you all because real life sucks sometimes but we can all suck together!
Kelly
xx
Friday, 17 March 2017
As a mummy your main job is to raise a happy and healthy
child, right?! Well this isn’t always as easy it sounds. Or is it, are we all
just making things 10 times harder for ourselves because of the pressure we put
ourselves under. To be more specific, I’m
talking about fussy eaters, dinner times from hell and the oh so common shake of
the head at anything that has yet to be tried.
Let me start from the beginning, I had a pregnancy from
hell, which I will tell you all about another day I’m sure. I then had the
birth from hell, in which I was drugged up to my eyeballs and eventually with a
little help, pushed all 6.4lbs of her out. As she was being born, she swallowed some
mucus which meant her throat was blocked. In my state of not even knowing my
own name, I didn’t realise that as the evening went on she wasn’t taking down any
of the bottles she was given and was slowly turning the worst shade of blue.
6 hours after she was born she was taken down to intensive
care to clear her throat and was put on a drip to get some nutrients into her.
The next day when I was feeling slightly more like a human again thank god, I
awoke in a hospital room. The last thing I remembered was being in labour in
the same room. Now I was on my own, so where was my baby?, the fear that washed over me was excruciating.
It wasn’t long though before a midwife came in and the first thing she said
was, ‘’you’ll be able to go and get your baby back soon’’ she went on to explain
exactly what had happened and I started to put the puzzle pieces back together.
Sure enough as soon as my husband arrived we went down to see her, she looked so tiny
bless her with tubes coming out of her throat. In a small crib amongst incubators of other helpless babies.
Fast forward to when I finally had her back by my-side, we
spent another 2 nights in hospital and it was back to trying to bottle feed her**.
The midwives gave us a sheet to fill out which had on it the amount she should
be drinking, all we had to do was feed her and tick it off. But oh no, she wasn’t
having any of it, she would take half the amount, in what would seem like hours
then minutes later throw half of it back up. From this moment on I have dreaded
meal times! They suggested at the time, maybe she still had a little mucus in
her throat that would clear on its own.
**No I didn’t try and breast feed, because a) I am diabetic
and had been through hell with it whilst pregnant and breast feeding is not the best way to get
your sugar levels back to normal b) She was born at 37 weeks and I hadn’t even
been able to do the colostrum thing that they had been going on about c) I didn’t
want to and as a woman I am entitle to make that choice**
When we took her home each bottle feed was the same though, she wouldn’t
take it and if she did it would all come back up. There I was, a mummy who couldn’t
even feed her own child. I felt like on a daily basis it was all my fault, what
was I doing wrong, why was my child not doing as she was supposed to? All that
anxiety you feel as a new mum manifested itself in to her feeds or lack of
them. I would wake up in the night to feed her and before I even got to that
point my stress levels were through the roof. I realise now that she probably
picked up on this, and there we have the start of the fussy eater. To her,
mealtimes were not a nice experience; it was a stressful experience where mum
just tries to force feed you.
I’m making myself sound like a monster I know. But those
first few months as a mum can be really difficult as you try to balance the
worrying with the joy. Trying to make sure you’re doing the right thing whilst
also trying to remember this little ‘baby’ is an actual human being, a one off with
her own way of doing things.
She gradually got better taking her bottle but only after we
had gone through what seemed like every formula on offer, eventually ending up
with one especially for reflux. But as she got to 6 months it was time to try
her on food. I was told by other mums that when they are given food they don’t look
back, no longer do they want the bottle. Instead they want food and lots of it.
I made the mistake of listening to these mums and believed that when I gave her
food all my previous worries would subside and we could begin the next chapter
just like everyone else. Not realising of course at the time, this is not how
life works with children.
And so the baby led weaning began but did it work, did it
hell! She wasn’t even remotely interested in finger foods. And of course you
get all the other mums listing all the different foods their child has eaten
and how they love their food. And so the taboo of ‘my child won’t actually eat’
begins. I would lie, why I did that I don’t really know when I think about in a
rational sense now. If I was lying though, then maybe they were too? I ended up trying
her on jars, yes pre-mixed baby food jars from the supermarket. I know, I didn’t
breast feed and now I was buying those little jars I said I would never go
near. Because of course what you’re meant to do is stand for hours cooking it
all up, blending it, mashing it and freezing it. But going on previous
experience was I really going to do all that just for her to throw it across
the room without so much as trying it? , no I wasn’t (although at one point I
did do this and yes she refused it and threw it on the floor – process not to
be repeated). Don’t get me wrong though the guilt I felt was awful. Which thinking
about it now probably just added to my anxieties on the entire situation?
She ate the jars though, only about 4 flavours mind, but she
was finally putting spoon to mouth. Months passed and still the only thing she
would eat was the dreaded jars and yoghurt and above everything else still favoured her bottle. Every time we saw a health visitor
they were shocked she wasn’t eating more finger foods. Every conversation I had
with them I just took from it that they assumed I wasn’t even offering it to
her. I felt like saying to them, you try it; you get her to eat it. Instead though
I said oh yes, I’ll try her again, maybe she was having a bad day.
I think it was around her first birthday when she finally
started eating more solids. Of course all the unhealthy stuff was her
favourite, crisps, chocolate etc. Every meal time I felt like an awful person,
I couldn’t just let her off if she said she wasn’t hungry either. I felt like I
had a duty to feed her even though it seemed like it was the last thing she
wanted to do. So every meal time would end up the same way, raised voices, 5
different options of toast, crisps or pasta offered.
I now know where I went wrong; I stressed myself out from
day one when she couldn’t feed. I felt like a failure as a mother, I couldn’t do
the most fundamental thing for my own daughter. I let my anxieties grow and
allowed the stress I felt to control every situation that involved food. I was
worried about what others would think, I was worried my daughter wasn’t doing
what other children were doing. But why do we allow ourselves to think like this. From the
moment they are born our children are individuals and are allowed to make their
own choices, of course guided by us to know what’s right and wrong. But when it comes to food, if she doesn’t want
to try something should this really have to cause such misery?
At nearly 3, she is still a slightly fussy eater. More so
around me which is what has made me realise; it’s how I have been around her
that has caused these issues. I have calmed down with it a lot and let her have
more choice around her meal times now. She knows what she likes though and what
she doesn’t. Funnily enough she’s partial to licking a lemon and loves chilli
heatwave crisps but refuses to try cheese. Go figure that one out! Her bottle
at the end of the day is still her absolute favourite thing; yes after all the
initial refusal of bottles she’ll now do anything to get her hands on that
before bedtime. At some point we’re going to have to get rid of it and
introduce more milk in to the daytime I know. But for now that moment at the
end of the day where she sits with me and has her bottle is heaven so I’ll hang
on to it for a bit longer.
Let’s get rid of that taboo that says we can’t admit that
our child won’t eat. It’s not always as simple as the child just being difficult,
maybe there is more going on. And maybe if we are all more open about how we
actually feel and what is really going on, we won’t have to all feel under such
pressure. There is no such thing as the perfect mum, we’re all just winging it
in our own way and hoping for the best. As long as everything we do is out of
love then surely we’ll get there in the end.
Kelly xx
I have always struggled with accepting myself. Partly because of the those things I talked about before on here, my diabetes and how it has affected me. But more than that I am constantly looking for approval on things and have more insecurities than is necessary. I'm sure I'm not the only twenty something like this, at least I hope not. I worry about if I am making the right decisions constantly, as a mum, as a woman. Am I pretty enough, do I fit in, did I say the right thing, do people like me??? The list is endless and changes on a daily basis.
So with all this self-doubt going on inside, why did I decide to start posting daily photos of myself online for the world to see?
Good question!...When I started doing the whole blogging, posting thing I was in a very different kind of turmoil behind the scenes. As a family of three, we were living at my mums and desperately saving for a mortgage. We had previously been living in a rented house that we were perfectly happy with, when 6 weeks before our wedding our landlord decided the house was going on the market. So we made the decision to move in to my mums (thank you to my family for having us!), we were there for just under a year and my god was it a roller coaster of a ride. Newly married, a one year old, and a lot of stress do not mix well. What I'm getting at is, I decided I needed an outlet. Just a little something for me that would allow me to escape from my everyday life. Enter Instagram, I was already on Instagram, but suddenly began to find a whole new world. I started following fashion bloggers, mummy bloggers and everything in between. Now I don't know if you had guessed by now, but I kind of like clothes and have a slight obsession with all things fashion. More importantly I was a new mum who needed to feel normal again with a place in the world.
So fast forward to me posting pictures of my everyday outfits and sharing clothes I would be buying if I could. Always chopping my face out of shot though, so all people were looking at was the clothes I'd chosen that day. Once I learnt how to use #hashtags I was getting a good response and started to interact with people. I know to some people, going on about clothes all the time is rather shallow but like I said at this point it was just a little outlet to allow me to forget everything else that was going on around me. I'm not going to lie though, when you open yourself up a little bit to the world and get a good response it does make for a good feeling.
But the more response I got, the more likes and followers I gained the more I would question myself with every single post. I would wonder, is this good enough, will people like it, is the comment witty enough!? For a long time this is why my comments to accompany each post would be solely about the clothes. I completely took away all personality from my posts in fear of being judged. I got a little far in to this unhappiness at one point and allowed, what was supposed to be my outlet, to become another form of stress. I worried why people weren't as interested in me as they were in other people. What was I doing wrong and the worse this became, the more I would switch off from it and stopped enjoying it.
The reality is people respond to people, not photos of clothes and empty words. I realised that if I wanted to gain followers and likes again I would need to open myself up more and allow people to see the real me. But more importantly if I wanted to enjoy this again and allow it to serve a purpose for me, I would need to have confidence in myself.
It's no secret really that social media is a platform for people to post their good side, the happy times and even then we add a filter and cut out the shit in the background. I spent too long, looking at other peoples 'perfect' lives, wondering why my life wasn't as happy as that? Why do they have everything they want, why can't my legs be as skinny as that, my hair as straight as that. Yes, it's very shallow but once you allow yourself to become even slightly consumed by these thoughts, it's hard to get yourself out again.
You forget who you are because you're blinded by a falseness and start to think that if you could be more like that, then maybe you'll be as happy as that too. Now this to be fair is the very dark side of social media, and I don't want you to think this is how my brain worked all day, everyday but I also cant deny I did feel like this at times. Looking back I think it was because although I was happy, I wasn't content. How could I be, barely seeing my husband, arguing with me mum, struggling within the situation to cope with my daughter.
But there is hope and we've now been in our new home for nearly 6 months and I've finally found a level of contentment. I still have bad days and some days I go right back to that place again where I just want to be someone else, somewhere else. I hope though this makes me normal, as opposed to making me ungrateful and miserable?! Now on those days, I try to take myself out of the situation for a moment and rationalize things. It's not as easy as it sounds but its always worth a try and I'm getting there.
You may have noticed, if you have followed me for a while on Instagram that I have started showing my face more. At the moment a selfie will only be the good side of my face, no idea why it's my good side. I think to be honest its more to do with the shot I can get with my hand, so maybe its more just being right handed rather than having a 'good' side of my face. None the less, I normally take numerous selfies from many different angles but the same shot always gets used. One day you might see my whole face!! I'm working on it, as I am on opening up more. Trying to put a name to the face (half a face).
Hopefully I'm not the only one who has felt like this before, if you're feeling like this at the moment, I promise there is a way out and the most important thing is that you learn something from the downs to take with you on the way back up. Even if what you're going through has nothing to do with the game that is social media. It's sometimes hard in today's society to just be you and accept that, that is good enough.
Kelly xx
Tuesday, 31 January 2017
Here goes, my first 'personal' blog post! I wanted to let people in a bit and give people a look behind the looking glass. The looking glass being the tiny boxes on Instagram I fill each day with filtered versions of myself and my life. There is much more to me than just fashion I promise. Although lets not pretend, its quite clearly what I spend a lot of my time thinking about. But beyond that there is the real me. I am a mum, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter and a type 1 diabetic.
At school I tried to maintain 'normal', I didn't want to seem anything less than this. So I didn't tell people where I was going when I had to do my injections or check my blood. I never vocalised how I was feeling if I was unwell and never asked for help.
As I got older this continued and I tried to drink and party like everyone else. Which don't get me wrong, I did, and I'm glad I did it. But looking back now I can't believe the danger I put myself in sometimes.
As much I was always trying to fit in, I can now see what I was actually doing was making myself very lonely in a room full of people. Dealing with the condition on my own was not helping, but there is no denying it has made me who I am today. Which is a very organised, control freak who loves routine and finds it hard to open up to people. I don't regret my decisions in the past but I'm now very aware of how guarded and bitter I am towards it. I want to open up to people to show the real me and stop making my diabetes a taboo.
So why now you ask?
Last week my husband, my rock, the man I share my life with. The man who quite literally picks me up when I fall, was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. As I heard the doctor say this, I wanted to scream. I felt so angry, so sad that all the things I go through on a day to day basis he'll now have to face too. As I sat there I thought about the lows, the times when I have been so low in fact I have needed help from those around me. The feelings of utter helplessness and guilt, the embarrassment. The lumps I have on my injection sights, the constant check ups, how I only eat when I need to, instead of when I want to, dealing with peoples misconceptions, the list goes on.
Since then though, I have calmed down (also slight drama queen) and we have dealt with the diagnosis. With a little help from me with the numbers, he has taken it all on and wow has he impressed me. He isn't bitter, he isn't angry, he is just doing everything he has to do and most importantly staying positive.
In the mornings we get up, we check our blood, we do our injections and so the day goes on. We have our own kind of normal, our own way of doing things. It may be different to yours, but that's ok. We look out for each other and will carry the load when the going gets tough. With his attitude and my knowledge I think we got this you know!
And hopefully opening up in this way will help me a little bit to be at peace with myself and knock down some of the walls I have built up.
Please, don't get me wrong though, I have a very happy life, and I am very fortunate. I pay attention to looking after myself and live to tell the tale. Sometimes though, this can be a struggle. So along the way as well as spreading the joy of fashion, I'll be here just being me. Behind the filters and outside of the boxes. My plan is to talk about all the other sides of me you do not see and share with you my thoughts, my fears and my joys. Well that's the plan anyway....
Kelly xx
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